Love Life With An Ostomy - intimacy and all it's challenges

Living with a stoma can undoubtedly bring about significant changes to your life, including intimate relationships. It's a journey that requires courage, open communication, and understanding from both partners. Having an ostomy whilst already in a solid relationship is one challenge which needs a lot of trust and patience to allow the partner some time to come to terms with your new body and understand how to be with you.

Whereas finding a new partner when you have an ostomy can have very different challenges, like when to tell them. Not everyone will choose to accept a partner with a stoma which, of course is their prerogative but can be emotionally devastating to you especially if your body confidence was already on shaky ground. The important thing to remember here is that any relationship has to navigate each persons needs, beliefs and preferences and it’s not always a perfect match whether you have an ostomy or not.

Having an ostomy may just be a great filter to getting you to that kind compassionate partner that you deserve. That someone who loves you for exactly who you are.

 Addressing Potential Physical and Emotional Challenges

While many people with ostomies enjoy fulfilling sex lives, there are potential physical and emotional challenges.

• Physical discomfort: If you experience discomfort, let your partner know, try using lubricants or experimenting with different positions.
• Body image: It's normal to experience body image concerns after an ostomy. Talking to your partner or a therapist can help.
• Fear of leakage: While the risk of leakage is low, it can be a concern. Using a good-quality ostomy pouch and emptying it before intimacy can help alleviate anxiety.
• Emotional intimacy: Focus on emotional connection and intimacy beyond physical acts, extra foreplay may be needed.

Overcoming Emotional Hurdles

The emotional impact of living with a stoma cannot be overstated. Body image issues, fear of rejection because you have a stoma as well as your partners concerns about causing discomfort to you are very real concerns that need to be discussed. It's essential to acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself time to adjust. You'll notice a theme throughout this article about talking and communication being so key, so apologies for some repetition but it's so important :-)

• Self-Acceptance: Embracing your new body is a crucial first step. Remind yourself of your strength and resilience in overcoming a significant health challenge. This is the new you and you are just as worthy of love and affection.
• Open Communication: Talking openly with your partner about your feelings can foster trust and intimacy. Share your fears, insecurities, and desires without judgment.
• Seek Support: Joining a support group or connecting with others who have experienced similar challenges can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

Practical Considerations

While emotional hurdles can be significant, understanding the practicalities of intimacy with a stoma can also alleviate concerns, so lets have a look at some of those issues.

• Timing is Everything: Allow your body sufficient time to heal post-surgery before resuming sexual activity. Consult your healthcare provider for specific guidance.
• Emptying the Pouch: It's advisable to empty the pouch before engaging in intimate activity to ensure comfort and avoid accidents.
• Ostomy Supplies: A range of products can enhance confidence and comfort, such as ostomy belts, covers, and discreet underwear. The Comfizz light support Waistbands can be ideal as they are soft, seamless and stretchy making them very comfortable and inobtrusive to wear.  They also come in a wide range of depths, the shallower 5” & 7” are particularly popular for comfort & discretion during intimacy.

The Importance of Experimentation

Finding the right sex positions often involves trial and error. It's essential to be patient with yourself and your partner as you explore different options. Communication is key to discovering what works best for both of you. It's important to remember that everyone's body is different, and what works for one person may not work for another, so find your own preferred position. 

Finding Comfortable Positions

• Side-by-side: This position can be comfortable as it allows the ostomy pouch to rest naturally on one side. It also promotes intimacy and closeness. 
•  Spooning: Similar to the side-by-side position, spooning can be a gentle and comfortable option.
• Rear entry: This position can often accommodate an ostomy pouch without discomfort. However, it’s essential to communicate openly with your partner about any concerns or preferences. This of course is not an option if you ostomy surgery involved a Proctectomy where the anal opening is closed
• Top position: While this position might require some adjustment, it can be pleasurable for both partners. Using pillows for support can help alleviate pressure on the ostomy area.
• Woman on top: This position offers control and can be adapted to accommodate an ostomy. Experiment with different angles and positions to find what feels best.

Relaxation: Creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere can enhance enjoyment regardless of what stage you are at in your relationship. Get the music on, light some candles & find a comfortable  place where you feel confident you won’t be disturbed.

The Partner's Perspective

Intimacy is a two-way street. It's equally important for partners to understand and support their loved one with a stoma.

• Openness and Empathy: Create a safe space for your partner to express their feelings and concerns without judgment. You might be surprised by their perspective and you may be able to reassure them in some of their insecurities.
• Education: Learn about stoma care and the challenges your partner with an ostomy  faces. This knowledge can foster empathy and support as well as give you more confidence in what you can do that is safe and comfortable for your partner with a stoma..
• Physical Intimacy: Be gentle and patient. Experimentation and open communication are key to finding what works best for both of you. If you are afraid that something may harm the stoma or be uncomfortable for your partner with a stoma then express these concerns to them.
• Body Positivity: Reassure your partner of your love and acceptance, emphasizing that their body is still beautiful and desirable. All couples need to hear this from each other but especially if you’ve had ostomy surgery and are now adjusting to a new body.

Remember, sex is a natural part of life, and having an ostomy shouldn't prevent you from enjoying it.

With open communication, patience, and support, couples can navigate the challenges and find joy in their intimate relationship, however that looks for you.

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with your healthcare provider for personalized guidance.