Some of us may have seen the memes about how us social recluses or those with social anxiety have been preparing for this our whole lives but I can honestly say that at first I laughed at it and although I use it as a deflection of how I really feel; yet this lockdown is going to break me mentally.
Just a little bit of context it has been 4 months since I last thought about ending my life and just over a year ago that I acted out on my plans. With the local mental health teams just pulling out entirely when I needed them most I spent last summer not leaving the house; I couldn’t even bring myself to attend one of my best friends weddings. The last couple of weeks have really really gotten to me. To the point my friend text me asking how I was and my response was “I want to die. Simply put.” I am one of those people who don’t like things dictated to them inexplicably in a way that completely removes my control. I am completely aware that the lockdown is for the right reasons but I now feel like I have to lump my outings with when I go to work as I go to do care calls four times a day.
It isn’t the home schooling, it isn’t bickering with 00Steve (we actually have been better than ever) and it isn’t the fact I am working every single day – I am super lucky to be a key worker to the biggest belter ever and I had the privilege to spend her 100th birthday with her! It is down to the fact I have very little support when it comes to anxiety. I have anxiety about being my children’s teacher, social distancing and peoples severe lack of it or just plain manners when it comes to myself and others moving out of the way, worrying about food shortages (not specifically for me but for others) and I really miss my Nanna who turns 80 in a couple of weeks.
I miss my routine before lockdown like so many people; now don’t get me wrong that generally went like:
- get the kids up
- school run
- go to work
- come home and hide from the world
- go to work
- come home and hide from the world
- school run
- one of Ra-Ra’s after school activities
- go for a run
- make tea for the family
- go to work
- come home and hide from the world
- go to work
- attempt to sleep even though my brain won’t shut up
I however used to see my mum friends twice a day, my dance mom friends 2/3 times a week and run with my dear friend Lindsay. Plus Tuesdays were spent at someone I would be close to calling a best friend which gave me a change of scenery on my only day off – or I would go to my hometown to see my besties.
I’m struggling with the forced lack of human contact to the point I don’t want to take video chats with my mum friends or even take phone calls as they give me so much panic. My self care has gone out the window and that really affects my stoma and then in a little vicious circle my quality of life and mental health.
Hopefully this little ramble of my thoughts has helped someone feel less alone or worried that they are the only one feeling like that. If you are feeling like this please talk to someone or write out your feelings. I have too many good things going on for me to give in to the anxiety and suicidal thoughts exacerbated by a few things out of my control.
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